On this episode of The Wednesday Call podcast, Andy Albright talks about three ways you can connect deeper with people.
1. Validation (Building Self-Worth): "Give to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself." -Thomas Paine
2. Empathy (Considering the Feeling): "I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself must become the wounded person." -Walt Whitman
3. Understanding (Recognizing the Thought): "To perceive is to suffer." -Aristotle
1. Validate in order to Break the Ice
This is where you "chart the course" for where you want the relationship to go. It helps disarm any hesitant participant. People crave validation. Validating-type words build self-worth in others. These type words serve as confirmation of another's internal experience, which allows you to "break the ice" effectively. Here are some sample scripts using validation to satisfy the needs of the four animal types:
• Lion affirming their greatness within the task accomplishment, by saying, "You always get the job done."
• Otter admiring their greatness within the value-added recognition, by saying, "You always do the job great."
• Golden Retriever appreciating their contribution within the value-added recognition, by saying "The support you provide is always cherished."
• Beaver acknowledging their contribution within the task accomplishment, by saying, "The data you provide is always crucial."
2. Empathize in order to Prime the Pump
This is where you learn to "stay out of judgment." One of the greatest challenges to developing empathy is overcoming the need to be right and judge others. This need to evaluate others comes from our need to compare our abilities, beliefs and values against others. Empathy, on the other hand, requires you to consider why they feel the way they do without necessarily agreeing with why they do it. Here are some sample scripts using empathy to "prime the pump" or stimulate the growth of the relationship within the four animal types by addressing each one's individual need:
Lion Addressing their need to be first, by saying, "I never thought of doing it that way."
Otter Addressing their need to be noticed, by saying, "You have every right to be proud."
Golden Retriever Addressing their need to be wanted, by saying "You must gain purpose knowing others count on you."
Beaver Addressing their need to be correct, by saying, "I cannot imagine how tough it is to provide that level of accuracy."
3. Understand in order to Establish Common Ground
This is where you practice what is called: "perspective taking."
Making statements like, "tell me more," invites others to express their views and helps solidify those views as being heard. But before someone can be heard, they must be first provided a listening ear.
This is accomplished by recognition of another's thoughts (feeling their pain). Recognizing others' perspective as their truth is the key ingredient to making a connection and gives birth to allowing the establishment of common ground (understanding).
Here are some simple scripts using the "tell me more" invitation as a way to incite expression from each of the four animal types:
o Lion -> "Tell me more about the results."
o Otter -> "Tell me more about your accomplishment."
o Golden Retriever -> "Tell me more about your experience."
o Beaver -> "Tell me more about the details."
Putting the 3-Step Connection Together within the Four Animal Types:
Lion: You always get the job done. I never thought of doing it that way. Tell me more about the results
Otter: You always do the job great. You have every right to be proud. Tell me more about your accomplishment.
Golden Retriever: The support you provide is always cherished. You must gain purpose knowing others count on you. Tell me more about your experience.
Beaver: The data you provide is always crucial. I can't imagine how tough it is to provide that level of accuracy. Tell me more about the details.
The Forgotten 4th Step Of Connection: Active Listening
Active listening involves the listener hearing what the speaker is really trying to say once a connection is made. Having the ability to hear the message from the speaker is reinforced by the following verbal techniques:
Remembering - by recalling key points and especially the speaker's name (makes the speaker-feel respected).
Questioning - by inquiring about terms that need defining (makes the speaker feel like a SME).
Reflection - be repeating to show comprehension (makes the speaker feel clear).
Clarification - by paraphrasing to ensure a correct message (makes the speaker feel understood).
Summarization - by reiterating the main points to define next steps (makes the speaker feel accountability).
Tips for Becoming an Effective Active Listener:
1. Pay Attention (Lean In)
• Look at the speaker directly
• Put aside distracting thoughts
• Don't mentally prepare a rebuttal
• Avoid being distracted by environmental factors
2. Show That You're Listening (Be Present)
• Nod occasionally
• Smile and use other facial expressions
• Make sure that your posture is open and interested
• Encourage the speaker to continue with verbal comments like yes, wow, really and uh huh
3. Defer Judgment (No Agenda)
• Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions
Don't interrupt with counter arguments
Avoid leading the witness
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