On this episode of The Wednesday Call podcast, Andy Albright comes to you live from his home in Treasure Island, Fla.
This week, Andy is talking about building friendships that turn into partnerships too. So, how do we do this effectively?
How to Build A Friendship:
Listen But Respond Carefully + Connect But Avoid Fixing + Accept But Communicate Honestly + Honor But Establish Boundaries
Listen with Sympathy:
This is the process of Noticing another person's suffering and Showing compassion to that pain.
Listening (noticing) requires openness and Hearing (showing) requires receptiveness. Openness is being able to pay attention without distraction; and Receptiveness is being able to read subtle cues without judgment.
Listening to words come out and actually Hearing those words is only a reality when we put our private agendas aside.
But Respond Carefully Without Giving Advice:
Think before you speak after listening.
Sometimes taking a moment to think about what you say before you start blurting out will spare hurt feelings and keep you from leading the witness.
Also, when friends feel like it is okay to be themselves around you, they trust you faster. So, choose your words with care (evading a bruised pride) and with authenticity (evading an insulted ego).
Connect with Empathy:
This is the process of taking the attitude of the other person and seeing the situation from their perspective.
Therefore, to feel empathic concern requires us to first appreciate (taking) the other person's opinion or pain; then second, we must connect (seeing) to the emotion behind the opinion or pain.
The highest form of discipline is empathy; for it causes us to suspend our absolute nature (having to be right).
But Avoid Fixing and Stunting Another's Growth:
"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."
The urge to fix a friend vs. grow a friend, may be the biggest dilemma in your relationship with another. Perhaps life is throwing them a curveball and they need your support or insight. Don't wiggle your way into every aspect of their life by telling them how to be the star of their own show. Give them room to process things and make their own decisions.
Practice active listening when they invite you to participate in their journey. Connect by asking them to tell you more and by repeating their responses back for clarification.
Accept with Respect:
Acceptance laced with tolerance is a fair and objective attitude toward those whose opinions and practices differ from one's own, which produces the friendship commitment.
It has been proven that learning to tolerate differing opinions actually strengthens one's relationship: asking yourself the question, "Is being right really worth it?"
By making an emotional connection with another, we can avoid destructive comments or one-upmanships. This emotional connection is the fuel for learning to accept others. And accepting others is the precursor to developing respect for them.
This process leads us to ask: "If I were in that person's situation, how would I want to be treated?" The treatment or tolerance is the connecting bridge between acceptance and respect.
But Communicate Honestly during the Tough Conversations:
Sharing bad news or criticism with a friend is the litmus test of a true friendship. Therefore, honest communication is critical to establishing creditability and trust with our friends. You can tell how open and trustworthy a friendship is by how willing each friend is to share things that are difficult, but important to hear. It is better coming from our friend's mouth than from a stranger. But delivering such news is hard for the closest of friends. So here are two tips to minimize the hurt and to keep people from feeling ambushed.
1. Just spit it out by saying "This isn't easy to talk about"... Then, saying what's on your mind
2. Keep it short by not unloading all your feelings and peppering them with details.
Honor Commitment by Practicing Indebtedness:
Waking up in the morning and repeating, "It's great to be alive," is a good place to start. This emotion that life is abundant, makes a person feel grateful for having friendship. In this example, the norm of reciprocity is not the driving force behind honoring your commitments to your friends.
Rather, each friend should be compelled to pay goodness forward, and not have to be prompted by a favorable benefit such as a gift or service. This type of gratitude is altruistic in nature (concern for the welfare of others without agenda). Therefore, a kind heart is the prerequisite when trying to be a selfless friend.
This level of selflessness is accomplished by searching for an opportunity to honor, instead of wanting to be honored. In order to build and maintain friendships, one must affirm the opportunity within the power of goodness with appreciation. And showing appreciation is the gateway to honoring commitments.
But Establish Boundaries in Order to Own Your Happiness:
No one was put on this earth (including your friends) to make you happy nor for you to make them happy. Anybody outside of yourself is really a part of your life because you've allowed them to be. You have decided what role they are playing and you decide how they stay in your life by establishing boundaries.
If you enjoy being around your friends, that doesn't mean they make you happy. They may add happiness to your life, but they should not be the sole reason for your happiness nor you for them. To say that somebody else makes you happy is to relinquish all responsibility for your emotions and the way you spend your time.
To say somebody else makes you happy is to basically say you're a collapsed puppet waiting for them to pull the strings. Nobody should have that kind of power over your emotions nor you over them. This is why emotionally-based boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships.
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